| (no subject) |
[Jun. 14th, 2007|01:28 am] |
ok so im having a dilemma.
last tuesday i hooked up with this guy named davis. i really wasnt planning on it at all but he asked one of my really good friends what his chances were. basically, long story short, i got plastered and hooked up with him. i didnt have sex with him tho...everythign else (keep in mind im a virgin at this point) then on sunday night were sleeping over at my friends again and we end up haing sex. i dont know if its that i just wanted to have sex or that im actually attracted to him. i am attracted physically but i dont know baout emotionally.
hes a grower/dealer haha which im not too into
hes high 100% of the time
i dont know if hes still talkin ot his ex
i dont know what type of guy he is(like how whe will treat me)
i think he lies a lot
major into drugs. dont know about now tho...like he lost like 50 lbs on coke alone
theres just somehting about him that i dont trust...but i like him. and i dont know why
i really dont knkow what to do. im seeing a mvie with him tomorrow so maybe ill figure it out
and i dont know what my friends thinkof him. hes actually one of my friends brothers best friends...which prob isnt such a good thing.
i just dont know if i like him cause i feel like i have to, or i like him because i actually DO like him and want to be with him.
i may be overreacing about this whole thing. in my mind, hes just using me as a side hook up
but maybe hes not cause i tend to overanazyz things. mabye he actually likes me.
i dontknow
why cant someone just like me the way z loves n. why cant i have that?
i have a god body
im pretty
im shy, but when i open up im a fun person
im a really GOOD person.
why cant someone just love me? |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 22nd, 2007|06:12 pm] |
tomorrow im starting the 246 diet. imgunan try not to do 8 but like if i need to i will.
so 200 tomorrow.
coffee-30
2 egg whites-30
viggie burger-70
2 rice cakes-70 |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 21st, 2007|10:08 pm] |
how do i get rid of the celulit eon my thighs. i hate but it really likes me.
and my ass is huge. you would htinkim blck.
help mee |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 20th, 2007|06:25 pm] |
so i just starved myself forthree days ot fit in my prom dress. it worked.
and today i ate an in and out burger lol
fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
haha well i wont eat tomorrow
i still love him<333333333 |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 10th, 2007|02:09 pm] |
so ive been snorting adderall ately. does an amazing job at losing your apatite. i lov eit lol
not good hahah but dont care at the moment |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 29th, 2007|10:39 pm] |
I MISS BALLET
A LOT
but im too fat to start again
and im afraid i will fail. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 24th, 2007|09:27 pm] |
all this is is going ot be ranting about everythign in my life. no organization, nothing. just me talking.
first letme start off with the fact that i stepped on my scale before bed and i was 117. ive never seen that number on this scale. i feel gross. and i cant bare to take anymor eof that laxative tea. it hurst my tummy and im sick of staying awake al night. so tomorrow, im not eating. i have school and then the senior faculty luncheon so i wont get home unitl like 4, then im goin to cardio barre. not food. at all. so there, my eating disroder is one thing that i have to deal with.
second, my mother thinks im bulemic. i have nothign else to say about that lolol. im not, in fact i wish i was, but im not. so i have to deal with her watching ifi go to the bathroom after i eat now.
my dad has cancer. they have to remove his bladder, re-build it from his intenstine and then stay in the hospital for a week. thenhe comes home for 2 months and basically cant move. this means i need to get my lisence very very soon caus ei wont have rides anywhere...but thats the least of my worries.
im 100% in love with my best friends boy friend. im no going ot get into that a lot cause i could go on for hours about him...
drama with the girls at school. me and n are finally frineds wit most of the 11 graders again. i really like r, c, and m. i want to get close to them.
im afraid n is going to leave me like the rest of he rold best friends. at least i knwo i will always have np. shes my rock.
i want a boyfriend.
my grades are absolutel horrible because i cant deal witheveryhtign emotionally.
i need anxiety meds btu th only way to get them is gto go to a therapist, but lol, im embarassed.
i have to goto smcc next year and then transfer somewhere.
i kind of miss dance.
i need to get a job.
im fat. i want to be anorexic again. i want lipo.
i have a lot of issues. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 23rd, 2007|09:57 pm] |
so basically i weigh abotu 110 right now, thats with very little water weight.
i took 3 cups of my "tea" today" in about 2 hours i will be shitting like crazy.
im fasting tomorrow and going to cardio barre.then maybe more tea.
i need to et to about 102-103 by may 18
in order to do that i need to eat as little as possible.
i have no reason to eat for energy anymore so i dont understand why i cant just get this under control. the only thing im worried about right now is that my personality will fade.
see, not to be concieted, but im really popular and hav eto constantly please everyone and keep up my status.
i love all of my friends (n, z, v, c, j, p, c, m, r, c) but i want a boyfriend. badly. and in order to do thta, i need to be my goal weight (96) and have a personality(the one i have right now plus a little confidence)
ugh
so basically i need to ose 14 lbs
summer starts in less than two months. i need to have more that half of that gone bythen so i can get in a bathingsuuite and be skinnier than n) |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 9th, 2007|11:54 pm] |
i hatethe cellulite on theback of my thighs and butt.
how doi get rid of it?
200 from now on no joke. maybe if i just stop eating my mom wll realize what she is doing to me |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 26th, 2007|09:25 pm] |
2 day fast
not eating until thursday morning |
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| just free writting |
[Mar. 18th, 2007|07:22 pm] |
i wish he would see the real her.
me and colie are "his favorite girls"
i love her to death, shes my best friend, but shes not a good person. she lies all the time and shes playing three guys at the same time.
im the one who loves him. and i get the feeling that he likes me too but he just asked her out.
its the little things especially when were drunk...when the true you comes out. i wih he woud just see who she really is and se who i really am.
he even says that were the same. that i get him and he gets me.
im going to prom with him so he wont get shit from her ex's.
is it because im not pretty enough? am i not skinny enough? do i not put out enough? im totally prude compared to colie. ive never had sex and he knows that.
not only am i totally inlove with my best friend/best friends boy friend, i feel humiliated in front of him conastantly cause imso shy and colie is the type of person that would lie and make up stuff and totally isnt true. like she had the idea of a threesome on prom night (i find it amusing that im going with him and shes going with our other best friend so we can avoid him being beaten up and her being ridiculed to death) MOST POPULAR GUY IN SCHOOL. and im going with him hahahahhaha..)))) but like i have the feeling that she has told him stuff that is her idea...like the threesome thing...which by the way im NOT up for lol but i get so drunk most of the time that i wont even mind doing it lol...but like im sure she has told him somethign embarassing. i can barly stop talking about him/blushing when i think of him/when i see him/when he hugs me/when he speaks to me. IM FUCKING IN LOVE AND THERES NOTHIGN I CAN DO ABOUT IT. i can hurt colie.
last night we were drunk and we were laying on the couch together and he had is arm wrapped around me and i felt so comfrotable like i belonged there. he was just holding me and i didnt want the moment to end. but of course colie had drama. and then the same in teh jacuzzie!! colie and me were sitting eitehr side of him and he was holding me...ME!!! not even touching colie. she was mad. i could tell. but i didnt want him to stop. so i ignored her little looks. then she gives me the little code word and we all leave and they fuck. in the jacuzzzie and then the shower. it literally kills me. every time i go to dinner with them and friends. ESPECIALLY AT HIS MOMS HOUSE. thats the worst. every time they kiss. every time they touch. i wish it was me.
he even says to me. gemma your so amazing i loveyou. you never have drama. blah blah blah all positives about me that are negatives about colie.
last nightcolie dressed me and all they guyss were ike wow gemma you look good
hsdbqjwdhvbqhwd i can take it anymore.
i want him so badly. to hold me. just to be with me.
i know he knows who colie really is. the drama filled unstable girl who will cheet one him, who will eventually go crazy and never seak to him again becuase they will have a huge fight. and then i will want to be with him and he wil want to be with me and i wont be able to if i want to keep colie as a friend and of course i do. i love her she has been there for me and visa versa. she means the world to me but basically being friends with her is slowly killing me. i just dont get why he is withher. i know he knows who she really is (eventho she told me lst night that he told her that he has never like someone this muchbefore and he really cares about her)
maybe she is just a good fuck.
or its my rep
(prude little ballerina)
ps im losing 6 lbs of fat in exactly 2 months. for prom to go with him. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 18th, 2007|04:31 pm] |
basically.
2 weeks until spring break(starving myself lol)
2 months exactly until prom
intwo weeks i want to be 105
by prom my goal is 102
im on a gluten free diet.
not that hard it keeps me in check with bread
im startng to over eat again tho
going to the gym 4 times a week
trying to gin muscle while losing fat on my ass and thighs |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 13th, 2007|07:33 pm] |
im 108
im losing muscle
my ass is pretty big im not gunan lie
spring break in three weeks
im going ot the gym mon-fri for three weeks
cant do iton weekends cause ialways have too big of a hangover. lol
it has to do something
rhsrgfdb |
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| im fucked |
[Feb. 7th, 2007|02:32 pm] |
ok aside from the fact that i kep doing horrible, (except today haha)
and my undiagnosed anxiety, which i will prob be going to the doctor for soon...
my mother wants to send me to a nutritionist. she doesnt understand that i know what i eat...i cant control it. she emiled one of mybest friends mothe and was like "i remember g telling me that you sent m to a nutritionish a whle back. how did that go? i thing i really need to send her to one."
ok first i never even said that. ever!! so this proves shes insane. im gaining weight by the minute. i cant stand it anymore. i even see it in my face. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh
and my mother found my hoodia shit.
but i fixed it
she said it fell out of my purse. bull shit. if she went thru my purse that means she fonf my cigarettes too hahaha
w.e 5 months until i move out. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 5th, 2007|05:19 pm] |
i have no reason to eat. i dropped out of yagp for my 3 solos. yes!!! thank god. i dont need energy anymmore. the onlyhink i need energy for in the furture s the video im doing atthe end ofthe week. im so happy.
exacept that i have no reson to eat anymore. this use to be so much easier. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 2nd, 2007|11:01 pm] |
ive decided that i do not need food. i can go to dance in 100. i can come and have 100 for dinner. why cant i fucking sick to this. today i really realized how fat i was. is horrible. we have to wear unitards and my obesity is just killing me. i cant even look at msyelf.
tomorrow i have a shw so i cant do bad. like i actually wont even have time. im goingto nace frm 1030-330. then i have to leave for teh theater at 630 and n is come ove rin between. she wont let me do bad. she got just as fat as me, maybe even bigger. idk.
thensunday i have an audition in san francisco and my flight is at 930. im only having yogurt in before my audition. i HAVE to be as skinny as possible. (i even put my hip tape which happens to be big and stretchy over my celluliteso it covers it hahahahah) my flight home is like 730. and i refuse to eat when i come home. MAYBE frozen yogurt if im under 200.
then im juice fasting monday-wednesday. hahah it sems lieka good idea. cleanses and gves energy. just what i need. i have to shoot a video on thursday so i ave to be extra skinny for that because the camera really does add 10 lbs. lll eat that day. and friday. and saturday. sunday ill juice.
goal weight by thursday-104
goal weight by next thursday-102
thursday after that-100
thursday after that-99
can i do it? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 28th, 2007|08:30 pm] |
i weigh 105.
my upper body got bigger. i have more cellulite. i feel sick. physically sick.
im not eating for a week. well, yah. ill eat but im planning on not eating. no planning. not at all. im wont eat at school. then ill fill up on coffee or tea when i come home. maybe some egg whites or a salad/piece of fruit before dance.
i honestly need to lose 5 lbs in a week form today. i have this major audition on sunday and i need to get ove rthat im fat and just dance my heart out. its holding me back so much. grand prix is in 3 week. i need to be 100 lbs. my fat on my egs is overwhelming.
so bsically im not eating for a week. maybe 100-150 calories a day. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 18th, 2007|10:56 pm] |
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oh ive also been getting a little better about throwing up. thank god. im hoping it will just be easier form here. that will help me to |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 18th, 2007|10:33 pm] |
i cant stand it any longer. i cant look at my cellulityyy ass and legs. they are discusting. its horrible. absolutely horrible. i just cannot stop eating. its mostly after school when i cannot control myself. i feel like my meoablism is getting back to a normal persons. i guess this is a good thing. it maymeanthat i can lose faster but just the fact that im eating over 1000 calories a day is mentally and physically killing me. why cant i just control myself? i keep waking up 106-107. i cant seem to get any loswer than that. but i geuss thats understandable considering ive been eating nonstop for 2 weeks.
i was planning on being 101 by saturday before my flight. it looks more like im going to be 103.5 or 104. prob 104. not ok.
but i found out that my audition thing is on wednesday so maybe i can manage not to eat and drop to 101. im bringing my scale. i cant do bad. i actually cant. there will be no food around me to eat constanty like when im at home. im an emotional/bored eater. and this needs to stop. im hoping to be about 101 wen i come home. (next friday) 300 calories a day is my complete limit+++im taking a bunch of clases and i know ill burn something. i just hope i have less cellulite when i come back. i think its possibe. im just worried there going ot be like. "why did we accept this girl? shes fat!!" but if i do well and dance a lot fo 6 days i know ill look different. i dont care about having energy. i want to feel shaky ike i use to.
grand prix is in abot 1 month and i need to be 99. i can do it if im not. i mean yah, no one is going to notice but just for me. i need to be tiny. very tiny. its just my legs. i love my arms and chest and boobs. then we get to my stomach and its not a toned as it use to be but its nothing sit ups and restriction cant fix. then we move to my ass and legs. this is a major problem. ive alway hated my ass it gros. its totally disproprtioned to te rest of my body. i knwoim a small person on top. if you took pic of my boobs up youd think i was like 90 lbs. but no at 15 to that when you see my as and legs. tehre really gross. my legsuse to be sooo skinny. youcould see every muscle in them and my knees were like bigger that my thighs haha. it was great. but not there huge. i think i need to lose like 10 lbs. i cant here tho my mom would freak. id be 95 lbs. how great would that be? amazing.
i made a new plan tho. im eating at school. it willl be for the best. 200-250 cals. it will stop my friends form worrying and it will help me concentrate in classes. and i need to cuse my grade have dropped. but ill eat at school and then not at home. l fake it for my mom. easy. because once i start eating at home i cant stop. so i just wont eat at home. ill have no excuse to go to the kitchen. which is amazing. its a win win win situation. my friend will be happy. my teachers will be happy. ill be happy. and ill be skinny for dance and actually start losing weight. ill have a light dinner and then go to bed. easy right?
but im getting desperate. does anyone know of some miracle think they have used. i dont care if its dancerous. (no coke tho please haha) ke diet pills. hoodia? idk. ive heard its good. bu ti feel like i can handle this no food at home thing. and il just be motivated aftr my trip caus ei wouldhave lost weight and ill be happy. so i wont wanna ruin my success
ok peace out<33 |
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